You May Blame Me

Dave, I’m here to say that I take full responsibility for the events that occurred in our home this evening, during your absence. A pizza of the rising crust variety was undoubtedly removed from the freezer, baked, and consumed. Yes, fully consumed. I was the only one home, ergo I am accountable for its disappearance; also for the cave-like arrangement of pillows and blankets on the couch. Turner Classic Movies was certainly playing when you walked in, and I’m the last person to suggest that the dog could have turned on the TV, much less made the pizza or left the vacuum cleaner in the middle of the dining room, plugged in, with the cord stretching to an outlet in the front hall. I’m sorry you tripped.

Although I have no idea what the cord was doing there, I regret any damage to your knee and chin. If there’s one thing I despise, it’s people who start cleaning and then stop halfway through, leaving things worse than when they began. I don’t know who in our household would have the nerve, since it’s only you and me (and the dog) who live here, but I just want to make clear this is something that never should have occurred and it wasn’t me. As for the pizza, the buck stops absolutely right here. I have no idea how it got from freezer to oven to my stomach in its entirety, but if as you say the evidence seems to point my way, then let’s investigate. Let’s get to the bottom of it, so we can get back to the real business of our relationship, the fostering of trust, understanding, and personal growth. My priorities are one hundred and ten percent us, and I take offense at any implication that my eye was off the prize.

Yes, I know your parents will be here first thing in the morning. In fact, the importance of a caring relationship among in-laws and couple is second only to that of the core relationship itself, and anyone who says I don’t seem to give a shit does not know me or what I stand for. I had every intention of not only vacuuming but laying the table for brunch. Details like these tell guests they are not just expected but warmly welcomed. True, the dining room table has a bunch of laundry on it right now – careful, that’s dirty laundry – but I hope you know me well enough to understand I don’t know what it’s doing there.

Dave, after you take the dog for a walk – do you mind? she’s been inside all evening – I think we need to talk. We’ve been together almost three years now. Our relationship has the potential to be a beautiful, lasting haven of comfort, peace, and healthy passion. Or, it can be a tiresome series of blame games, with two MVPs and no one cheering in the stands. I don’t want that; do you? I take it that by walking to the door, you are merely heading out to walk the dog. Bring some bags; the neighbors have been super-bitchy when she craps on their lawn. Don’t even think about not coming back, because I have no intention of giving up on you. I believe in us, and this institution, and I made a vow I aim to keep ‘til death do us part.

Wait. How about this. Go ahead and blame me for everything, period. The pizza, the messy house, the bump on your chin, the Macy’s bill, the virus in the computer, the long brown hairs clogging the bathtub, the lack of brunch fixings, the fact that I have a spa date with my cousin tomorrow at 10 – tell your parents I said hi – the war in Iraq, the confusion over how many planets there actually are, just lay the blame for everything right on my shoulders. I can take it, and continue looking at you with love and acceptance, because I know in my heart of hearts I have done nothing wrong. We are all standing on the ground, Dave, but some of us can see the forest through the trees. Speaking of rural settings, can you pick up some Rocky Road ice cream while you’re out? I have a taste for something sweet.