Some questions about failure

1. do i let Adam know we didn't get into the festival? He's on vacation, visiting his folks. His first trip home alone in four years and the last before he is a married man. On one hand, he's Jewish, he's used to heartache; on the other, he's probably having a nice time in the world of "We may do a show in New York this Fall."

2. what the hell do I mean by heartache? People get rejected all the time. Kedreb would probably say, think of the hundreds of others of applicants who got a rejection email tonight. My favorite line, "Unfortunately, this is one of those hideous letters that lets you know that you have been unsuccessful for this year." And of course, there's always "Please, do not consider this in any way a slight on your talent, as the quality has been uniformly high and this has been a difficult decision, as we try and select a range of diverse new musicals." The heartache is from seeing myself, the more innocent me, the one who didn't know she was going to be rejected, marching to the post office with my neat package, all my shiny pride in my nice neat package. And the lady behind the counter, as I walked away, calling after me, "There's a lot of hard work in this package." And I was so touched, it was like a movie! And I said, "Keep yer fingers crossed!" Cause that's what Judy Garland would say, ain't it?

3. Why can't I let it slide off? Why can't I be proud that we entered the race, we participated, we gave what we had? But somehow it's hard to be proud when you've failed. And i guess I'm tired of failing. And I know I have the wrong attitude. But it's hard not to feel vindicated, not to feel that as I suspected, the piece is worthless and someone, some kind judging body in New York, has been kind enough to let us know form letter.

4. How to put this in perspective? Why am I not so insecure about my videos? Maybe because they're short, and they more often turn out the way I want, and I don't need anyone to do much with them other than enjoy them, or not. Maybe it has to do with need. Why not just be happy that I get to create. Maybe...

5. Quit putting yourself in a position where you can be judged a failure. That either means, quit trying for anything that requires judgment of any kind (this is a small category) or change your point of view.

6. With all the good things in the world--the miraculous sky tonight, with the moon behind a long, milky cloud that seemed to drift across it like a silk scarf against a woman's cheek, the quiet streets, the dog walking reasonably obediently, me clean and showered and a hard day's work completed--with all these good things and more, why bother about the places I don't fit? There are so many places I do fit. It's vanity, it's greed perhaps, to be put out by the little hurts.

And they are little hurts. No, they're big and you have to process them. No, they're small and you don't need to worry about them. But see, it all goes back to disppointing people and what did they expect and how have you misrepresented yourself and how can you spin this into something good? Dave is out of the shower and I haven't resolved this. And I don't feel I can face another human til I do.